With friends like these

It nearly happened. In Barrack Obama we almost had a US President who...

1. You could sleep with and leave the lights on

2. Could be trusted not to start a redneck style feud with "them funny lookin' folk" from the next Valley.

Not now. He's DOOMED. And why?

Joss Stone is writing and performing his official campaign song.

Thank you, Bizarre at The Sun. I realise your strike rate in reporting accurate entertainment news is patchy (Victoria Newton couldn't see the truth for the eyeliner after all), but IF this horrifying development is true then Cindy McCain might as well measure up the White House for new curtains right now.

The world has lived with dodgy political campaign songs before. New Labour, possibly the worst offender, has needlessly used general elections to give extra royalty payments to both D:Ream and The Lighthouse Family. Bill Clinton, with marginally better taste (though not in women - sorry Hilary) chose Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. Going by his conduct with Monica Lewinsky, however, maybe he'd have been better off picking We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart.

But this is JOSS STONE everyone. For the fortunate few who haven't heard her 'sing', this is what Aretha Franklin would sound like with chronic constipation and a brain transplant with Miss Piggy from The Muppets. Recently appointed as the Cadbury's Flake girl she managed to imbue the world's sexiest chocolate bar with all the food porn appeal of a 10p Chomp.

Barrack: you could have been a winner. Now you'll go down in history as the US Presidential candidate who was felled not by corruption or folly, but because you had no 'soul'.

Isaac Hayes isn't in his grave yet, and he's already spinning.